


small

by thewakeless



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Comfort, Emotional, M/M, thinking about love and forever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-27 05:09:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20402200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewakeless/pseuds/thewakeless
Summary: dan thinks about what's important





	small

choosing not to write with capital letters was always more than an aesthetic choice. there’s something aggressive about them, sinister almost. To dan it has always felt like they make too much of themselves. he likes simple things, simple gestures. which is another reason why he and phil getting on as well as they do makes no sense. 

there was always something showy about phil too. apparent in his style of dress, in his way of editing, apparent even in his choice of dates. "he likes nice things." dan had found that out early. and phil also liked showing off a little. showing off with his good looks, his travel pictures, and dan, he definitely found joy showing dan off. showering money on him. dressing him up. teasing him. making the whole room know just how devoted dan was to him. it wasn't even a sex thing, or at least not exclusively, phil simply took pride in the things he had, and dan was undoubtedly the best of them. the jewel in his crown. although phil would never have framed it like this. he would never compare dan to any of the things he owned. in fact, he would object to it. "how dare you?" he would tease. "terrible boy."

dan choose to see things differently. there was something nice about thinking of phil like an authority figure. it liberated him from making his own choices, carving his own path. not always of course, there were plenty of times when he had to do both such things. but the thought of ultimately leaving everything up to phil (even if this was never how things happened) was calming. 

when his mental health overwhelmed him he surrendered himself to phil. did he want to eat? no, of course not, he did not want to exist. but phil wanted him to eat. so there was some toast. toast not substantial enough? did he care, no, not at all, did phil, yes. so he would eat a little bit of salad and then drink orange juice. did dan care that he stunk because he hadn't showered in four days? not in the slightest. did phil care? presumably, so dan would shower. it was a coping mechanism that hinged on the fact that he cared for phil's happiness more than his own. things he couldn't force himself to do for his own wellbeing, he was capable of doing for phil's. 

once, when they lay stretched out in bed after sex, white sheets under their bodies, and a healthy distance between them because of the june heat, phil asked him: "if you went back in time to the first summer we talked what do you think would have most surprised you about our life now."

being the brat he was he answered rudely. "the insane size of your cock probably."

phil hit him with a pillow, but there was a gratified sort of smile on his face. "i was being serious dan."

"your cock is very serious."

phil rolled his eyes.

"okay what would you answer then?"

his boyfriend made a little thoughtful sound. he was looking up at the ceiling. after sex dan wanted to sleep. his body was relaxed. his thoughts were turned off. he wanted to find a cool spot on the bed and loose himself, seize existing for a bit. phil liked to talk. this was the only time that he was really sentimental. "i guess how much you trust me."

"in comparison to then?"

"no, in comparison to anyone else i have ever known."

dan made another joke, a bad one but phil laughed all the same. part of him needed to erase that truth as soon as it was stated. there was something almost shameful about it. although he isn't sure why. phil earned every bit of that trust. and when he surrenders himself he do so consciously, every time. but hearing the words spoken is a different kind of vulnerability. they don't talk about it. it's the center of their lives really, but it's never examined. 

despite the many allusion to this particular kink, dan doesn't ever call phil daddy. the words sticks in his throat every time he tries. and the few times that he does manage to get it out, it becomes a joke at once and they both burst out laughing. but dan finds himself coming back to it every once in a while. on days when nothing spectacular is happening, when phil is just drinking his coffee, or answering emails, or kissing him. he feels the words surface like a bad penny. 

"daddy."

so what if technically it's a disgusting thing to say to someone you have sex with. so what if the internet has turned the whole thing into a joke? what if he likes it, what if it feels true sometimes. he was eighteen when they met after all. horny, easy, eager to let phil do whatever he wanted with him. when they met he had expected to get fucked hard and laugh a lot, instead he had found phil nervous and tender and overjoyed just to hold his hand.

of course dan being the impatient little shit he was they had had sex that first night. but even then dan couldn't bring himself to call him "daddy". the difference between 18 and 22 is not much, but it certainly felt bigger than their age gap ever has since. there was a discrepancy in money, life experiences, even sexual knowledge, that would have made it the perfect time to make phil "daddy". 

but how could he when phil was so thoughtful and gentle with him? when it always felt like they were equals. when phil never used (much less abused) the influence he had over him. calling him "daddy" back then would have felt like soiling their whole relationship, cheapening it. and maybe it would have also seemed like he was trying too hard. 

now things had evened out completely, and phil's four years of life before dan was born don't matter at all. in some ways everything was different now. their interests. their sex life. the way that they understood and empathized with each other. 10 years down the line. of course things were going to have changed. 

"what is it that you want?" _with me_, he asked him the first time they got drunk alone together. 

phil was pink in the face. his shirt was in the wrong position, and he was leaning stupidly close to him as if asking for a kiss. "don't you know?"

he shook his head. "no, what do you want?" his drunk self needed to know this. it wanted to suck the answer right out phil's lips. 

"mmm..."

he felt the beginning of panic in his gut. fear. disappointment. so he beat phil the chase. "sex?" he stumbled over the word a little, like a nervous kid in health class. "come on phil," he urged him on, pulling at the sleeve of his shirt, ridiculous, infantile. "tell me. what do you want with me?"

his boyfriend had grown quiet, he seemed to back off into the wall although in actuality he hadn't moved an inch. "do you mean tonight?"

dan shook his head, feeling his flat hair flop. 

"i want a forever with you."

"oh." next to the beautiful and simple romanticism and hopefulness in phil's words his response was wholly inadequate. but of course neither of them thought about that, because he hopped up on phil's lap and began kissing him. 

that was the first time they talked about the future.

sometimes when they argued, or the tension between them grew palpable, dan thought of going. break-ups were inevitable weren't they? after all he was only 20. everyone he knew was destined to break up, why should they be any different? but it never got that bad really. and every time the thought would appear, and he would commence to imagine his life anywhere else that one thing phil had said would come back to haunt him: _i want a forever with you. _

_phil_ wanted him forever. phil _wanted_ him forever. phil wanted _him_ forever. phil wanted him _forever_.

he had never thought anyone would want him like that. not with his personality. not with his health. not with problems. and when he thought about it everything came into perspective again. they had issues like everyone, but they wanted each other forever, unlike everyone. they weren't in it just for now. they were building something together. 

"phil"

it was 5 am on chrismas morning.

"phil." he shook his shoulder lightly, until his blue eyes opened. 

"whatswrong," he slurred.

"i-" the word came out half chocked, and blind, sleepy phil noticed that he was crying. 

"dan-" he sat up and grabbed his glasses off the nightstand. "did you dream something?"

"no, i haven't slept." he could see the concern starting in phils face but he stoped him with a smile. "it's okay, i just," he squeezed his boyfriends arm. they were looking straight at each other. the world was blue and new and cold. and their together in bed, safe, and well, _together_. "i really love you." he cried when he said the words. they had been together for years and years and years. but he cried as if this was a big reveal. he cried as if this was the first time. 

phil didn't understand it, but he reacted just like dan hoped. he wrapped him up in his arms. he held him, and kissed his head, and enraptured him in whispers. because sometimes dan is quite overwhelmed by it, by how much he loves him, by how much he is loved by him. there are many things about their relationship that defy easy explanations: their careers, their history, their relationship with their audience. but perhaps the greatest of them is their love for each other. 

"i am so scared," he murmured into phil's shoulder.

"of what?"

"i don't even known," he laughed a little.

phil pulled away from their embrace to get a good look at him, and dan used the sheet to dry the tears all over his face. "i look really gross don't i?"

"no, you're beautiful."

he smiled weakly. "thanks."

neither of them talk about how ridiculous it is that dan woke him up at 5 am just to tell him that he really loved him while sobbing like a crazy person. but they do begin to laugh. and then kiss. and the next thing dan knows they're downstairs on their sofa playing mario kart and dan is yelling "i'll destroy you, i'll destroy your mom," after phil shoots a blue shell at him. 

maybe the moments dan values most aren't big productions.

he and phil have travelled the world together. but when he thinks about them, he always thinks about them at home. he thinking of them on the sofa, on the bed, after sex, while their yelling in a video game. maybe little things are underrated. 

"when you think about us, what's the first moment that comes into your head?" he asks the question on the first day they begin to plan their wedding. 

there are books and papers all over the table, things they have saved for a very very long time. phil doesn't even look him as he answers: "our first halloween together."

"wow, all the way back to then hey."

"yeah, i mean that's when i knew i wanted to marry you." he says it so simply but the words make dan melt in his chair. 

"really?"

"of course." they kiss over their papers and plans. and then they have sex on their papers and plans. and then they need new papers, but the plans stay the same. the plan has always been in the same. 

fall in love and be kind to each other, forever. 

**Author's Note:**

> not sure if this is cohesive (or coherent) but a lot of feelings went into it <3


End file.
